Freedom is more than choice. It’s awareness of choice, but awareness of choice is not true, actualized freedom without vision. So what vision do you have for your freedom?
Ready to share your tensions?
Wasn’t she next? Doesn’t matter to me. Me either. Yes, it does. You just shared one of your tensions, so I will go with it. You are having trouble reconciling your desire for autonomy with your desire to be loved, and cannot reconcile the tension between the two. This is manifesting as chronic lower back pain and sensory dulling, as well as bad sleep.
Well, I am on the verge of a job interview and it’s making me antsy. That was a defense. You aren’t worried about your interview, and in fact, you give people the impression you are less confident than you are which leads to shallow breathing and head-aches because people expect to see that of you. Is this incorrect?
No. I know I can write. I just want others to see it and have confidence in me. Yes, and you are angry because you chronically fail in that area. Not the writing, but in securing the recognition and responses you would want for yourself. Care to share the memory that makes you so angry at your parents? Or am I mistaken?
I have many, but I can’t bring any of them to mind at the moment. They themselves would often loose their temper and be ok with it. But if my brother or I did, we would get punished. They saw emotion as being childish, so they tried to oppress things like crying and fear. This was with your mother. She lured you into a trusting attitude. May have done that repeatedly. Now you have either a flat face or an over exaggerated smile. This makes people ask if you’re worried about something.
Yes, my husband is always asking if I am ok. He is just interpreting your tension, though it has nothing to do with him necessarily. Developing a hearing issue? You have chronic tinnitus?
Yes! If you can’t relax that will lead to hearing loss. You’re basically screaming in your own head.
My Gran suffered a bit of that too as she got older. And you likely share her temperament. Yes, I think so. Quiet mostly, highly sensitive, and super “motherly” to the point of getting very angry when you feel someone is rejecting your efforts to keep things peaceful and healthy at home. Likely get very tense if someone tries to help with cooking. Is this not so? Yes, I do.
Shall we go to what your body is trying to do to get you to relax? Crying spells and angry fits, bad sleep and difficulty focusing, false memory that leads to increased tension.
Crying makes me feel much better. It does make you feel much better. In fact, the angry spells are just escalation from the urge to cry, a defensive habit, and your memory and focus problems are passive aggressive. Not tactics you have deliberately chosen, but still things that have “mysteriously” provoked moments of distrust in others toward you.
Your subconscious has been making you “forget” chores and tasks, and forget behavioural quirks that people seem to wear as badges and insist on you honouring. Is this so? I may be missing something.
I think so. You mean badges like being really tidy or being great at a sport? Yes, and this irritates you though you don’t know why. Well, long story short, you need to unbench yourself. Your leg swelling and lower back numbness will go down if you let yourself play the emotional games also. Don’t be a good girl. Don’t be evil either. Just don’t worry about thinking before you speak and act. Your instincts are much wiser than you were raised to believe.
Crying when I want to and getting angry when I need to? Yes, both of those. Any other tensions you would like to share? No, thank you. You have said plenty. I just realised I am so much like the person I felt closest to in my life and that was my grandmother. This is something to be proud of. I suspect she was a very good and very principled woman. She raised eleven children, so yes I would say so. If she raised them with compassion, yes.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.