Truth is beauty, and beauty truth. I have forever gazed upon beauty and am thus moved to engage its dark shadow.
I have zillions of questions about parenting. You are the seeking child. You are the loving little boy or girl. You just need to help the child out of the whole. You were good and learned what you were taught. Now be good to yourself. Be the guide you didn’t have to yourself and anyone who needs you. Is there any reason not to?
It is difficult when a child decides to play human games. It’s hard to let go, but at the end of the day there is no judgement. You support and be there. Yes, and you can’t parent another unless you will parent yourself. Many people report being unable to support a friend or partner. They feel lost and ashamed. This is a very deeply rooted cycle, but it doesn’t have to be.
Why do you think a lot of people choose to leave their children? Because of resentments when life is a job and all your relationships are roles you step into, so why should you want any of it? They overlook that the child doesn’t see any of the crap in their head.
The running off is often not physical, but very real in non presence. I have to admit when my girlfriend in my twenties said she was pregnant, I was shocked and not excited, but it wasn’t about the baby. I love children. All I could think was, “Oh my God, we are bringing a baby into this?”
So it is not wrong to not want children? If you choose to never conceive a child, no it’s not wrong. It’s important to be honest. You aren’t disdaining the worlds children if you choose not to conceive one. You don’t have to be cold to not want your body to give birth or to not want to trigger conception.
How can you not want children? If you know you can’t give to them? If you aren’t ready in your heart to do so?
How can you know that? You can know, because on some level you know what you have and what you can give and why. If I had known about my disability, I might have chosen never to father, but it is of no disrespect to my son. I bear a harsh “genetic defect” and it makes life quite hard.
He would have found a way to you. That is indeed possible. Maybe I would have been a teacher or in some other way given of myself. We are in constant contact, all of us. As they say, there are a meagre six degrees of separation between you and literally anyone else. Conceiving no child, I’m still in the village. We are all here, all connected. Cruelty, antipathy, dispassion and disconnection are not virtues.
There aren’t two classes of people. Some parents act as if they are enlightened and the childless aren’t. This isn’t true, nor is it true in reverse. If I go out today and see a child and smile at them, I have still had an impact on a child. If we as a society greeted children warmly as people and not jobs, then what? They are people, just at a different stage of being. They aren’t little women and little men, but they are people.
My toddler walks in a room and says, “me me me”. Ah, and when your toddler enters and declares “me me me”, how is that greeted? With hugs and kisses and “yes, you you you”. And smiles from your little one and contentment. From all of us. Indeed, that declaration of “me” is a very good thing. The wrong arrives when the child learns “me, not you”. Parents declare, “I’m the parent and I say so.” Why do they need to bother saying that? It is perhaps the first hypocrisy we ever learn.
Unconditional love and do not try to form your children into who you think they should be. They are an individual, treat them as such. That would be my advice as a mother. I would agree wholeheartedly as a father myself, and you know I don’t sneer at non parents who have an opinion about my son. I consider the person speaking. Every once in a while they really do see him and in that strange way they care, and it isn’t wrong.
Let yourself be without judgment and with unconditional love too. No double standards. You wouldn’t tolerate it in another. But if all you are is against hypocrisy, you can get distracted from the actual truths. When you allow yourself to be, you don’t have to be against anything. It just ceases having a lot of relevance.
“Against” is a trap? Yes. I am for my son, and for what I would show him, and for what I suggest to anyone else. I am not against their own decision making. I am for knowing and doing.
Is the need to care for another life the same as love? In a sense, but it isn’t it’s only manifestation. You can need to care for your employer. You can really respect what they do and want to see that business succeed. Drives are drives.
My mother in law, for instance, is always on the go helping people. Sometimes I think she does too much. Her heart is huge and she loves being needed. It is possible if she loses or suffers from what she does, but if she comes home and smiles thinking about what she did that day, then she’s fine.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.