So now what? Is only ever now and now is perfectly what it is.
There is a new comedy called “Four Lions” about suicide bombers. It’s a very oddly toned movie. There is a scene in there where they discuss the heart and the mind. One guy has doubts and the leader says, that’s your mind giving you doubts, and the guy says, but I think it’s my heart. Yes, but you’ve used your mind to convince yourself it’s your heart and so on… Yes, it’s a circle, and an empty one at that. Your life and your death are the defining or high points of your life. They form the boundaries of the river of your spirit. They meet between them and form the bed that cradles your divine essence. We get lost when we look to the right but never the left. Often times in our lives, the wisdom we seek is in that shadow we most fear, that place we have convinced ourselves we must not look.
We go in a circle always looking right. Indeed.
I am not saying that one should break taboos, violate decency, hurt people on a whim, or indulge in any vice at all really. But life is whole, balanced, and your problem, that thing that makes you so afraid and unhappy, might be the most important solution for you right now. But you won’t understand until you look. If you are chronically angry or hateful, no amount of denial will change that. It will slow it. It will space out the behaviour that upsets you. But denial rots out roots, sterilizes our soul, dwarfs what our spirit is meant to be. In fact, often times that thing you hate so badly about yourself is actually one of your greatest virtues. Your tendency to get involved in arguments may just be the dark side of a deep wisdom and sense of balance you have, like any blade though, it only serves its purpose if tempered.
I hate that I’m so pretty. Many women actively hate being sexually attractive, or hate seeming innocent to others.
I hate that I agree to things out of guilt of letting people down. You may have a sense of how other people need to flow. Perhaps you see how easy it is to trip people. The tempering aspect of that is sometimes people do need to stumble.
I do have to temper my tendency to argue. In the case of argument, it’s likely that you have a sense of a healthy perceptual and intellectual range. You want freedom for people, but that can lead you to interfering in their freedom. Tying them up in fighting with you when they should be paying attention to something else. Much of your strength is wasted running from yourself and in avoiding the thou shalt nots of your life.
I hate acting thoughtlessly and hurting someone’s feelings. You may understand the need for a natural way of evolution for everyone. You may be demonstrating the courage to learn from experience and accept consequences with honesty. I find someone who isn’t constantly planning their actions and words comforting. I don’t plan these things myself. But even though I accept the inevitability of my own behaviour, I attend to the path it’s occurring on as well. Full self awareness includes where you are and what you are doing.
I think guilt and shame are big ones in all these shall nots. People love to exploit that. We fear being exploited for our actions, hence the tabloid newspapers. Fear of being exploited is the source of exploitation. What can they actually take from you?
If you weren’t hung up on whether or not you might be exploited, you might give more attention to satisfying those conditions that would make petty exploitation meaningless. When both people are sitting still, what is the meaning of progress? If both people are progressing, what is the meaning of gaining advantage? Gaining advantage = exploitation. We fear that there are no rules so we break rules. We fear that people will lie and cheat and steal so we lie and cheat and steal.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.