If you believe you exist because of what you do, then every moment you are unrealized.
Is it best to be insane or normal? Well, here is something interesting perhaps. Does your life make sense to you?
Parts of it. I couldn’t say the entirety
The older I get the more sense it makes, because I feel more able to adapt to the changes.
It suggests I should make sense of it, so I guess, no.
I offer you this. You are living your horror stories, but not telling your horror stories, and so you don’t know your horror story. You are creating your own terror and mistake that sense of heightened awareness for sanity, mistake that sense of urgent meaning for clarity of thought.
I also recommend horror, highly, and by that I don’t mean going out and committing atrocities. In fact, those who commit such acts actually experience very little horror in the doing. But you don’t need to take up a new hobby necessarily. You are pretty wrapped up in the one you already have. You are watching yourself as if you were a two dimensional TV character, because that is what allows you to feel like you understand it all, that your life make sense, and it is the reason you have a hard time sensing your life, or sensing life in others.
So look into horror stories. Pick your poison. They are all good. Start out light if that will allow you to take the first step. If you look carefully at the structure of horror stories, either religious horror stories or otherwise, you will see the same stories you tell yourself, just blown up to epic proportions. This over exaggeration is a useful tool in dealing with your own horror stories.
If you think a friend is talking behind your back, make it into a huge deal, a world spanning conspiracy to control your whole life and every thought. It can clear your head very effectively. You come to see not only that the horror isn’t real, but see in more detail why it isn’t real.
I did have that once. I thought I was being watched by scientists, then decided I wasn’t that important. I have literally been watched by scientists. It was a big part of my childhood. My experience will let me confirm your conclusion. I wasn’t that important. I have a rare genetic condition. They found that fascinating and spent hours theorizing and inventing ways to treat it. I didn’t really come into that picture.
I felt like I was being watched by aliens when I was younger. You were. They come from the world of not being you. Everyone is alien to you, alien to everyone else also.
I rode my scooter up a mountain and was convinced I could feel vampires breathing down my neck. Those are called sylphs, and yes, they enjoy breathing you. Elementals see in the medium of their own element only. Sylphs only see air, but they don’t see. They breathe. They don’t breathe to live. They are breath.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.