Feeling you have to do what you can’t, prevents you from doing what you can.
In any given day I mostly experience those entities that could be lumped into the business as usual healthy non distressed category. I encounter my experience of my beloved kitten, and in time I encounter my experience of my wonderful wife, and each day I experience the manifestation of my expected behaviours.
Things tend to go as usual, but reliably I find that despite the serenity of my day, my wife reports a set of experiences that differ noticeably from my own though hers where likewise serene, and sometimes there is even a cross over event. Something that transpires between us that fits neither of our expectations or familiar models of our daily reality. A moment of novel perception that we both detect the same element of though we may proceed to add additional elements of interpretation to it.
I live in this subjective field. Due to my neurological differences, my neurological processes all are turned up loud to the point of being often difficult to cope with, but for my wife this stuff can gently recede into the background and she can direct her attention to whatever suits her to do or think in the moment.
Now in my total stream of affect, because my working memory doesn’t clear readily, anything in my “in the moment” consciousness tends to develop an after-image. So the emotional impact mounts up. In my moments of distress, it’s like a cloud fills my environment, and although I am conscious still of the potential to see things positively, I find the darkened and distressing state of my perception inescapable.
I tend to dwell on things too. I don’t dwell. My nervous system forms ghosts. In fact, I have learned to exploit that to retain my composure. I hear a snarl in someone’s tone as they voice a complaint to a service person in a place of business, or a tone of contempt in an adult as they scold their child as the child themselves gives voice to a despondent sound of rejection, a moment of depression, these all pool together in my mind at the same time. The laughter of someone as they relate how they caught their significant other in an embarrassing moment, coloured by an undertone of shadenfreude. I let this all sit in my mind like a dreary overcast day. I just allow my physical state to idle, even though this manifests as a sort of “blank” state to those who might be paying a moments attention.
Can you shift the energy? I can’t effectively shift energy. That cloud forms a sort of gravity. I may try to budge my state, but my system just automatically returns to that state it was in. It becomes entrained. So instead I just adapt. Does this speak to anyone else’s experience?
Even these dark states have a stable logic to them, and I navigate them just as well as I do my positive states, actually better. They tend to lack the ambivalence that is part of the positive states. Things stand out in sharper contrast.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.