I once wept at a friends funeral. It was a first for me. He was a dear friend. Had helped me find a place in humanity. Helped me get off the streets. When he was killed by the train I wept, because he had spent a life “trying” and he had been so hopeful. Human ignorance had taken his life, thus why he was stuck on the train track that day. He died before he hit the ground. The impact had literally “knocked his socks off”.
I had an odd breakout / breakthrough / breakdown at work the other day. Someone told me it was possible to choose to like life, and so I tried by listing all the crap stuff in my memory. The suicides, the cancers, the betrayals, laughing hysterically at each. He was right, it worked. It’s not serious. It’s sad and it’s funny.
Life is hilariously funny even in those nights I spent crying myself to sleep as the hopes for a loving relationship with my sons mother fell apart. I once considered slashing my wrists with a butcher knife. Then considered how much my sons mother would complain about the awful mess I would make, stinking corpse, blood all over the floor. I laughed so hard I fell to the ground, but there are deeper humours. The horror of life is deeply meaningful and can help you see very, very clearly.
I had a similar friend. Probably the only person my age who ever understood me. He died getting a ride to work from a teenage friend who took a turn too fast. He flew forty feet in the air and crashed to the ground. My friend had no contact with his family, but they showed up to handle the funeral. I took our mutual friends there and I cried. We were talking outside, laughing a little, my friends uncle walked up and said not to disrespect the dead. I hope you laughed harder. I tried to argue for a minute but it hit me…. What a joke. I gave it up and laughed to myself, and he walked away.
I remember being utterly miserable. Realizing that even if I were the most miserable person in the world, I wouldn’t win any prizes. I collapsed in laughter. Is very true.
Do we have time in this life to play? We don’t have time in this life for anything but play. I promise you, you don’t.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.