Every moment empty of your presence is a moment made sterile and fallow.
My whole life I have dealt with aspects of experience that people neither understood or were even willing to consider. Every new experience came at me in such a way that I was left unable to articulate my understanding in a way that satisfied others as to my mental competency. I have been told many times that this is not necessary, and those are pretty words, but there are very real consequences for not being mentally present in a way that other people understand. This I learned through a long history of emotional suffering and social ostracism.
When I experience anything, I experience first what might seem to others to be an ethereal or if you prefer ghostly abstraction of more data than I can conveniently list in a short blog. Given time, my senses come to adapt to the stimuli, and it resolves into a somewhat reliable sensory cue that serves as a more or less concrete anchor for my practical behaviour, but this DOES NOT happen immediately. Neither does it form up in a way that gives me as much common ground with other people as people seem to feel I need.
In my young adult life, I struggled to find some guideline or model that would allow me some semblance of sanity to live my life by. I found no one model, but instead bits and pieces of models that I have gathered into my awareness to serve as guiding principles until I discover something better. Some have more endurance than others, one of which is commonly called Occam’s Razor. It states that one should not assume the presence or operation of more agents than are absolutely necessary to explain any given experience.
There are a great many assumptions that supposedly normal, well adjusted people make. My experience is that a greater portion of these assumptions are wrong. The way my brain works does not permit ordinary pattern recognition to occur. So all those nice sensory features like an appetizing scent, or a pretty smile, or the uplifting sound of joyous laughter, occur secondarily or not at all. Primarily, what I experience is the raw uncoded sensory impact of any event, and it immediately triggers the exact same portion of my brain that originated the behaviour pattern in other living things. Everything after this is an elaboration and at times too obtuse in its assumptions for me to even grasp.
What I do understand is that as strange as my initial experience is, it does inform me of details that seem to escape normal people. And through a very predictable chain of cause and effect, I see these features unfold in what other people agree is the real world. If this confuses you then we see eye to eye in this moment, because I live in a world dominated by intelligences that prefer their appetites and melodramatic emotional masturbation over any genuine understanding.
Do you like your odds? Peace, friends.