Change is subatomic. I break your nucleic bond and smile. Change is minute. There are no big changes. Never anything big. Just a bunch of small things we eventually notice.
I’m having some physical issues. One of my meds can affect the immune system, so normally minor things are out of control, and I’m feeling fear and anxiety.
There was eczema all over my arms and legs and it was really itchy. Now it’s only on my hands and they are swollen, itchy and painful, which puts me on edge. It’s been like this for weeks and I am afraid it will never stop. There is also a wound on my leg that isn’t serious, but it’s become infected, so I have to sit with my leg up to decrease the swelling. It is also very itchy. My boyfriend keeps coming in and telling me to get up and do something, that I shouldn’t lie around all day. I’m annoyed that he doesn’t understand, and I can feel my blood pressure is high, and I feel panicky. I’m falling apart.
You are in an interesting situation. There is a reason why the old Chinese curse goes, “May you live in interesting times.” I think part of this may be whatever you are taking meds for, and you should perhaps discuss a change with your doctor.
Ulcerative colitis. Ah, may I be blunt? And I hope it’s clear that you do have my full respect. You are anal retentive.
Freud was really shallow in his labels, but still some do have use. You have been withholding a great deal, literally. So your body is holding on to everything. You have felt like you couldn’t let go, that it wouldn’t be allowed, that if you did let go you would not be loved or respected. You do genuinely care, so your physical symptoms since you got involved with your current boyfriend have gotten worse, and you are ashamed but numbing it. So you are stuck in a cycle of shame and retention, but you need not be.
The colitis has been under control, just the eczema is new. It’s an evolution. It is making you “red faced”. In fact, most of these are rather vivid physical metaphors perhaps due to your intellectual background. Have you been having weird dreams?
No, not really. I haven’t been able to remember any lately. Ok, well, could be I have missed something here, or it could be just a really bad reaction to prolonged use of your medication.
My boyfriend is really sensitive and I do try not to yell at him. That has been raising your blood pressure and increasing your fatigue level. Urinary activity has likely gone up as well, and you have likely been having dehydration symptoms, mild head ache and nausea. Yes.
Ok, all tensions are memories as I said earlier. I think your situation is a compounded mass of linked memories, but many memories of the same kind doesn’t make it any harder to release. Your boyfriend is triggering some of this, but you are having other triggers as well. Your body has been trying to make you vomit. It has been giving you the sweats, and the lethargy, so that you won’t hold onto all this stuff that stuck inside you. The vomit is a physical metaphor for needing to talk or cry or both. Though you haven’t been vomiting yet, it can go that way.
I have been sweating a lot. More so than other people in this climate. Regarding holding things in, my ex husband used to yell at me if I cried. He told me I was being manipulative, so it’s hard to cry now. You do need to cry.
He also critiqued everything I said and gave me a grade on grammar and clarity of expression. You need to swear also, and use slang on purpose.
I was stuttering when I got a divorce. The divorce was a chance to purge, but did not happen, and the need has strengthened with this new love in your life. It won’t go away by holding your place.
There was a previous boyfriend who suddenly dumped me for someone ten years younger. I could feel steam in my head after that. Yes. It’s going to have to come out.
I hope I am not being too invasive, but your boyfriend has been “fast” in the relationship hasn’t he? He wants to move closer to you or have you move closer to him?
He wants me to do what he wants lately. Tension. His triggering in response to yours. Is there a way to de-escalate? I would actually suggest more talk with someone you trust. You are needing to in a sense literally “spill your guts”. No one is meant to actually hold anything. Everything is meant to be a flow. When we seem to keep something, and it is healthy for us, it’s because it moves in a circuit in our bodies or our lives.
I think you are right on. I’m a packrat too, and have boxes of paper. You have been stuck in a cycle of “purging” out of desperation, and likely feel your heart is going to drain right out of your chest. A good house cleaning may be a good jumpstart? Trashing some boxes of paper may lift your soul. Yes, I’m planning to do that, but my hands are in such bad shape now that I can’t. Allow yourself to really experience the feelings linked to your sentimental things. You may find a good portion of them are actually toxic. Your hands may improve as you do it.
Another thing that may need changing is your work problem solving style. You do everything at once or not at all, yes? That has made things bad for you. You were totally committed to your ex-husband and ex-boyfriend until you just puked them out of your heart, yes? This is why you had to loose them. Yes. I reached the point where I couldn’t take it anymore.
When you let things move one little bit at a time, you get a better sense of what you can keep, and won’t go to toxic extremes. Then you can let your partner fail. Then you can let him succeed as well, but little bits at a time. Life is not all filth or all blood. It’s a mix of filth and blood, and the balance is necessary for your heart to keep beating. Been having mild heart palpitations and brief moments of weird flashes behind your eyes? Your body wants to purge, but not to force. This is why you are doing less, but you don’t have to commit to doing nothing at all, and is why you have slacked off on some things you enjoy doing. But you can still do these too, just more casually. Social habits taken a dive?
The dharma group I used to go to disbanded. I still see friends, but not as regularly. And you aren’t comfy with replacing things. You need huge replacement, not rejection. This is the mystery behind replacement. It is replacement. Re-placement. Every morning I start off by looking at my wife sleeping for a moment, and I re-place her in my heart. It helps me feel secure, and reminds me that I can have and keep things. Anything treated as a static will always make you feel insecure, as naturally when it’s held static it will be subject to decay. Has this helped or am I just being preachy?
It has helped, and it goes with some other realizations. Don’t hesitate to rock the boat, but rock it only as much as you feel. Don’t try to make a point.
I just feel so bad if I upset someone. Yes, and you dread anything being pointless, so this makes everything seem pointless. For things to be healthy, your “heated” emotions should be released into your life like adding hot water to your bath. Slowly but steadily, and with action to even out the energy. This metaphor make sense? Yes, I think so.
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Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.