The rebel is a slave. You can breath deeply and declare yourself free. You are just watching another dance.
I would love to experience that feeling of peace again, that we all had often as a child. Just being outside looking at whatever and feel exactly as you are supposed to feel. I can’t put it into better english. That was perfect english. You said it just fine.
What you fear controls you. What you fear, you fear because you believe it has power. We are creatures in the likeness of the infinite divine. You have everything in you. Literally everything. At the very heart of this is peace, and it is best if that heart keeps beating. End the war inside you, and end the war around you. End the war inside you, and as you encounter others you will sap the force of their inner storm without any trying, and in no conflict with them. Peace is power, an energy, and like laughter can spread. More people who have no war in them… then less war.
I don’t remember where I got it from, but somewhere I’ve read or heard that those who are the purest at first have to struggle with it the most afterwards. They get in more war with themselves than those who were never really very busy with it? Yes, I agree. What you are mindful of has two sides. If you are mindful of purity, then you are also very aware of corruption. In some ways, I’m their opposite. I was convinced I was impure, and I fought with it. Struggled mightily. Eventually in accepting my experience, I found a truth behind that conflict. I fought myself, which is futile, and I learned it the hard way. What I am might be called yin in Chinese thinking, dark, receptive, negative, but in no less balance than anything light. No less deserving of place than anything yang. If anything, I can serve by sapping some of the harsh force of yang influences. Crusading, fighting, zealotry, holding dead ground in the self or in the world. Are my gifts unworthy? Are the light bringers? I say neither type is unworthy. The war must end in us, and whatever we are we must be.
Maybe when we oppose, when we can not find unity because we believe such unity to be controlled, maybe we do this because we can’t accept that good could be coerced. We believe inside good must be our own independent choice and perspective to be true, but how many sincere hugs must we turn away from others in this conflict. How many times must we separate ourselves from blending with other souls in the attempt to remain pure to our independence? Good, purity, light. These aren’t ours. Love isn’t something you can have or something you can choose. It is. It’s in us and in the world. It is the substance of all things and the way by which anything endures. So accept that hug, offer that hug, or don’t, but know why you aren’t. Accept that you aren’t. Don’t make it a conflict. Don’t make it a struggle. Don’t make it something to do.
Be, not do. Know yourself, and all the rest becomes a technicality. A decision comes and passes and the truth endures. Fail to know yourself and every decision, every moment, becomes a battle. Leaving scars, leaving painful what if’s. As they say, the most painful question is not what did you do, but what could you have done? What might have been? Does that ever really have to be a question anyone has to ask?
What we are, and what we can do comes from awareness. Being what we are, knowing what we are, and allowing what we are.
Maybe it becomes a question only to get us to the point where we ask if it is a question that we need to ask, and then we see we have changed? Even Buddha was quite frustrated before he sat under the tree. Indeed, so he refused to move. He was considered crazy even by other ascetics.
As a child I always thought I existed. I was born even to do good in this world, even if it meant pain and suffering for myself. It felt right and made me complete in a way. When growing up, it changed off course, and I started hating myself for not being that person anymore. Doing things not so good, letting myself down. Now I ask myself what you are talking about. What I am then, if I am not what I believe inside. So even though I understand everything you say and agree, I cannot relate to it really. Ok. You are the person who could originate that belief. You are the one who could have that idea and feel so strongly about it and dedicate yourself to it for so long. Where things went wrong, was you didn’t see the source. That’s it. Some of the ideas that piggy backed on your conviction, which was right and good as you saw it was, were what brought that phase of your life to its end. You aren’t the belief. You are the one who can believe, and if you feel called you can believe again. Perhaps you lost faith in yourself. See yourself again. When you see yourself again, rather than finding an empty mess, you may find a conviction in maturity that you were merely distracted from, as I was from my own wisdom.
May you find peace. Find that it wasn’t actually ever lost. The road is as long or as short as you want.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.