Life is too short for doubt. Whatever you doubt you either really want to do it, or you don’t. So do or don’t, and move on I say.
For me, human contact is torture though I crave it. It’s like a self flagellation or some other austerity of the flesh, and at times it leads to a bliss beyond description where I see only light in the presences around me. Does this sound crazy?
No. This is accomplished only through feeling, letting hurts really hurt, and not jumping to some train of thought or knee jerk course of action, or rather reaction. This comes from fully experiencing the pain of being a living being in a living world with all the fear and desire that comes with that. This comes not from trying to have things all figured out, but from experiencing the figure cut by your own presence in the world around you, you are legion, or, finding the self through the echoes of your own passions.
Makes me think of waves coming off something and bouncing off the objects around it.
You get relaxed when I get emotional. You get upset if I’ve been rational and together for too long. The more rational you behave, the more defensive you are, and the fewer things you are willing to experience or accept. In avoiding pain and fear you lose joy and passion.
People get rational to calm down. That’s what is behind the phenomenon of ‘having to get back to work’ after a crisis. I get emotional to calm down. I get irrational when I have had to process too much incoming information from other people. I lose my sense of self and my sense of their being as well.
I can remember times when I was in deep emotional pain and I would find myself analyzing the situation as if I was an outsider when I was thinking purely logically and not experiencing the pain. It’s a common defence and a sign of a seriously compromised consciousness, even if only temporarily. The schizophrenic makes great rational strides in making sense of their hallucinations and delusions. They all make very logical sense if you accept the state that lead to that process in the first place. They are none the less living a hell on earth despite how well they have it all figured out, how very sensible it all seems to them. They are even characterized by commonly displaying a flat emotional affect, being calm.
This is why people hate their partner getting rational in a crisis? Their partner has lost touch with them? They feel alone. That is indeed why. They have even been able to examine this under FMRI.
The calm ones break and go on the rampage, out of touch. Yes. As they say, it’s always the quiet ones. Dahmer was a quiet and polite young man, very well behaved for the most part despite the habit of eating his boyfriends, but yes… They have found that the same part of your brain that registers personal threat, registers the same sense of threat when someone close to you is the subject. If your partner is in great pain, your brain reacts much the same as if you were suffering the pain, though it won’t act that way toward a complete stranger usually. This is why, as a matter of policy, they do not let doctors perform surgery on their own family or close friends. It is literally crippling to them.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.