For quite a long while I have sought to get a handle on an aspect of my inner life. Strange parts of my consciousness that had no good explanation I had heard, and I really got stuck between a few different models. I needed more details.
I do dream work, but last night wasn’t fully lucid and I didn’t really want it to be. I had to let the more “organic” processes out, you know? I dreamed I was in an elementary school classroom and was speaking to someone, a woman who had a negative psychological impact on me, but who I had sidelined in my mind.
I had set myself up to dream of the root of my “difference.” What had made people have the gut level reaction to me they did. So this plays into the meaning. She gave me a sort of sickeningly sugary greeting, and I seized on her form with my mind, pulling her closer and suspending her in mid air, and said to her “We are enemies.” She gave some well rehearsed automatic platitudes as for why we were not. She reiterated that we were still friends. I reiterated that we were enemies, and she said “You were not enough.” I released her from the force of my mind setting her back on the ground, and as much as I wanted to lash out at her for her comment, I did not.
How this translates is in what people were reacting to was the construction of my mind. I was stuck because I was holding myself rigid to avoid future “rejection”, but I had to admit I hated this woman and had the same feeling for all those who felt I “needed to let myself be human.” I had to admit this before I could let go of the feelings that kept me stuck there.
I had let myself be what I was. If they didn’t feel it was human, well… They used it as an excuse to twist our interactions. Because I couldn’t deal with that twisted attitude, I twisted myself to conform so I could still relate if only in a very shallow, superficial way. A way unnatural to me. This is why I was attracted to so many schools of metaphysical thought and found truths in them, but they weren’t “my answer.”
In a more generalized sense it’s anger at the world for making you conform? Yes, and anger at being forced to put my natural strength aside because it was seen as unwholesome by “normal people.”
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.
Travis Saunders
Dragon Intuitive
~science,mysticism,spirituality~