You can’t get there from here. Remember wherever you go there you are, and there is no enemy anywhere.
In a sense, I am of two minds. It is even the focus of our MySpace comment. There are many minds in a single soul, but in truth reconciling I am of one mind.
They say love is a law, the highest law. Inside of me there is a part that rages, is impassioned and detached at the same time. It takes joy at the destruction. The paradox is true. My rage isn’t about hate. I feel tension and pain in my being and in the world, and trying to find peace seems like a lost cause. I am leaning more and more toward the conclusion that it is, and so the “man” in me who wants to live in peace is beginning to agree with the other self. There is peace, in theory, but it isn’t a peace between me and people. It’s a peace between me and myself.
Maybe I should just voice my resentment? I do not resent what I can do. I resent those who view me as they do. I am gentle with them, and it is like I do nothing. I try to meet them on their own ground, and it’s like I’m not there. I try to live in peace with them, but who and what I am is somehow low, evil, not valued. I have been called evil by flesh and blood, by my community. And what is worse is that what makes my failings evil is the ‘strangeness’ of it. When I release my inner self there are strange disturbances. Voices from the walls, bad luck for those who anger me. It isn’t psychic. It isn’t from my dwelling, and it’s sort of like the Sufi curse. May your every wish be immediately fulfilled. It goes on by itself, and it gets me into trouble. Gets things confused. The little I have shown has overwhelmed or scared people, the little bits of insight and the impact even when the insight is rejected.
My humanity is an adaptation, and an energy draining adaptation. I know the child I was, and he is still in me and that child is the prisoner. He thinks and acts in “abnormal” ways. He was shunned by his peers, very emotional and he grew. It is funny how people think my growth was stunted. The prisoner did grow despite a lack of nurturing. He doesn’t think like people say one should. His emotions are not like people expect. His capacity for empathy is impaired. They say you are your inner child more than anything else. I know I am me, and I know that people don’t see that.
All the “spiritual” ethics, not using telepathy invasively, not using will working to affect people in any covert way. My inner self doesn’t see this. I adopted these values to restrain that inner self. Speaking as the inner child, if I want in your head I will get in your head, and if my getting in your head scares you I will siphon off your emotional energy. This is the reason I changed my behaviour.
Shamans live between worlds. They don’t live right on the fence. There were those who were on the human side, and their near death experience (NDE) put them in touch, but still on the side of humans. There were others. The only concept of witch that existed in Native American culture, who were wild, touched by the spirits and more in touch with them then man. There is a reason in Latin American culture they say “los brujo es loco”.
I don’t have to speak my personal truth, and I can resolve to show it despite preferring harmony. At this point, my tolerance level is zero, much like others tolerance or interest in me has been. So a resolution is quite possible. I don’t feel any words of mine help people, but I speak anyway. Sort of a Taoist motive. The message is the message despite me. My words about myself fall flat. It’s not me anyone is interested in. It’s the words, the message, but there are many messages. What will be received in word or deed is up to those seeking, and I am no mouth piece myself.
Why do I say, ‘I don’t feel my words help people’? It’s the question of them being mine. I give a little to open the window. Light the fire so to speak, because there is more. It took a long while for me to reconcile who I am, and then I kept it in holding. Because in fact, it was a sort of protective custody. To date, no experience has shown I was wrong except this. The tension built and each time I have hazarded showing my true self, it’s always gone the same way. So it’s fine, I have nothing more to lose. Dignities gone. If people want to see me as crazy so be it, I have had enough of playing house. Playing the normal game? I don’t like your game.
Masks, shells, the living dead. I know masks. I do not number among those ranks. Even in not showing my true self, I did not adopt a mask. I receded into shadow. No false front, and for those of narrow perception, no front at all.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.