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If there is any reality then you are real, and your choices are based on you.

Double Life in Darkness


Most people find living with parents once out of the nest even more frustrating, because they start to treat you like a child again. Both parties change, and yet sometimes expect you to fall back in to old patterns. Do you feel respected currently?

I moved back in out of concern, respect and necessity, but it was disaster. My mother has been dead for years now. I am still dealing with the after effects of having made that move. Time given over to dealing with issues that weren’t really yours?

Yes, for one and dealing with her expectations not congruent to mine. Selflessness can be as much a vice as selfishness in my experience.

What happened is her husband died. I was having trouble in my marriage and home, and thought to give it a rest might be good. So when she asked me to stay a while, I went for a visit but it was the death knell of my marriage as well as my social life. When considering another’s needs it’s easy to moralize the priority of one person over another’s, but who has a genuine substantive priority over anyone else?

I really wish I could have come up with a better solution then. The road to hell is often paved with good intentions. I would say it’s shadowed, obscured. There is what you intend in word, but then there is what you intend in spirit.

To grant someone priority is to turn over a lot of self power too, but if someone hits you at a weak moment they can take it without asking for permission. It has been described as psychosocial vampirism and is not overt. Which is why it’s an ill. The vampire as a character model is in many ways admirable. They often contribute a great deal to the experience of those who otherwise fear them.

I was in a very hard stage of my illness. I was allergic to nearly everything and gaining ailment daily. Financially I had not been able to work, so no real money. Allergies, as a psychosomatic symptom, are showing up very commonly.

In my experience with darkness, if you are hostile overtly, directly challenging, you can often actually contribute to my life. But many people work with a series of “implied” notions, and they do use them to affect you that are not equally binding of them. Parents often do this.

Someone started my mom onto watching the televangelists to sooth her grief then. Suddenly I was someone who needed to be “saved.” We often try to save or help others when in fact we need saved.

My life was falling apart in her eyes, so I would crawl back to the supposedly true faith and my husbands mother was on a similar roll. It was a horrific time to try to be myself at all and I ended up developing a “double life.” Whenever you live a double life you inevitably set yourself up for a fall. No one succeeds at being what they are not ultimately, and the effort to keep it up for a time just twists the true life in you.

I was so weakened I didn’t know what to do about it. My mind was so cloudy, I would go off into a park to think. Try to get some kind of plan, but it was hard. What made it hard?

The physical illness, plus emotional stress, plus all the expectations layered on top of that. When I even think of that time, I begin to feel sick. Hmm, if something like that remains a condition of your mind it gets repeated though metaphorically and can taint all other things you do.

With so much pain, it becomes harder and harder to get back to who we really are? Actually easier. I say it gets easier because your mind will make you do it. It has a strong survival instinct. It seems hard, because you get stuck in a “fix it”, “prove myself” idea, and your body/mind knows the flesh is weak, so to speak. I often hear them say the flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing. In the moment described like that, the spirit they speak of is a traitor.

Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.

Travis Saunders
Dragon Intuitive

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