Life is first the step you take, and then the ground you tread upon.
Perhaps more explanation of the third “win-win” option? That I can do.
You have your ego, and your publicly perceived self. For most of us these two things don’t match up. Whenever someone comes into conflict with you, they are dealing with your “public image” which is actually more connected to your natural/physical presence. So often their arguments and negotiation efforts with you can seem to make no sense. You have the place you think you have in the world, and you have the place others think you have.
You lose a lot of power if your inner perception doesn’t incorporate the feedback from others. Essentially, you have a way you are “valuable” to everyone, literally everyone, and you can make this useful to you. Move through that channel to achieve your goal, leaving “no trace” or perceptual disagreement in the minds of the community.
So make no waves all the while doing what you want in the first place? Yes. People have a way they will permit you to do just about anything, but the way they will permit you and the way you think you should be permitted… Well, for most people these aren’t in agreement.
True. Most want to be acknowledged in a specific way that is all about their perceived self or ego that the other doesn’t have, and just because of that they lock themselves into the conflict and never advance. Yes. Here is a pragmatic example, the stereotypical male. To get his way he raises a big stink, gets really physically active and isn’t really skilful and people accept it. It’s “just how he is”, and he gets his way even if his life experience isn’t deepened any by it.
He throws a fit, gets his way, and people accept it because it fits their definition of him? Yes, exactly. Ok, take this same male. People perceive him to be a big ox, but he goes about quietly asking for things. What would happen for him there?
People would be confused by the meek attitude and probably think there is something wrong with him and deny him? Exactly, or even if they don’t think about it that much he will just seem “not real”, and what do people do with the not real? It will be a subconscious reflex on their part to ignore it.
So if you want to succeed in the world, it won’t be by changing the world. It will be by using the world how it is, and by your use of it create memories and perceptions that broaden other peoples views. You do what you will, but in that presence they give you. Not by trying to argue abstracts with them. How well does that ever go over for you?
Arguing that “I deserve it” never works. People won’t give you what you deserve. They will give you what they perceive you to be, or what you are. But they will give you what you are, only when you start from what they perceive you to be. Otherwise you just rapidly become a threat, an object of opposition, and the target of countless conflicts.
So for me changing the world like a shy librarian, very quietly, would be more successful than doing something loudly and unexpectedly? Yes. In fact for you, your seeming knowledge and honesty is a way to persuade people to cooperate. If they see you as the harmless, honest person, when you present something unusual to them they will just take it, because you aren’t rocking the boat. You understand it, so for them it’s just something to work on, but you have to keep to the role of she who understands.
So working within what others perceive as your usual pattern works best whatever that pattern might be? Yes, indeed. You have it.
I can insult people and if it’s in “my way” they won’t even notice. They’re just slightly confused or it goes over their head. And it’s true. People overlook her intellectual criticisms, and just expect it of her. But if she follows this criticism up with a suggested course of action, they most often do it because she is a living x-factor. Incomprehensible, so they satisfy her so she will shut up. But if she came across sweet and innocent, she would be ignored and seen as unreal. But other people make sweet and innocent work too, so there are a lot of ways. You just have to be honest with how you relate to the world which is presented to you every time you have a conflict. It‘s really readily available.
You do need to find your way and work with it, and can find it by understanding how others see you. Close friends of mine have laughed when they told me that others (who don’t know me as well) see me as stern and serious. For those who enter a deeper relationship with you, you don’t have to use that way. They can see more of who you are, and there are fewer conflicts. But you don’t need everyone to be deeply in love with you, do you?
I can have a conversation with a friend I know, and it will be fine with me when others who have less understanding have thought he was fighting with me. He wasn’t of course. A friend of mine thought I spend time fighting with my wife because of how we talk. We actually fight very little. Really not at all to be honest. We don’t choose fighting for conflict resolution. Not to say fighting is an entirely invalid choice, it’s just not one we need.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.