Many people discourage exploration of any “dark” feelings or discussion of dark states as “not spiritual.”

What is spiritual darkness? Feeling of separation? Not just separation. One can be moving along fine in life and feeling very connected, and for no reason they can put a finger on, that sense of centeredness ends. For myself, from time to time, my strength fails me. “Dark night of the soul” means you feel lost with all that implies. Or even if you don’t believe you are disconnected, you may have lost a sense of it, lost vision.

As of late, in my classes in general, I have felt lost. Losing a sense of why I continue, and I can’t seem to draw strength from what has seemed mixed reaction. I have been accused of egotism in doing my classes, but I have no truly “personal” motivation for doing them. I have continued because it seems desired by some groups who attend. So is it a feeling of being alone I struggle with?

I heard a lecture by Alan Watts and he said it’s part of the nature of this “game” that we feel the feeling of everything going out of our hands just to get immersed in this existential game. Then we suddenly somehow survive, and get the thrill, and feel good again. I have a problem that stymies me when it comes to embracing some very valid philosophical wisdom. In medical circles they call it autism. The implicate “rules” are not available to my awareness, and there is not the sense of “self” as is normally formed naturally. Not to say I am not self aware, but rather that the context of the “game” is almost entirely unintelligible. It’s often quite a trial for me to come up with something to do a class or a blog post on, as I don’t relate to common experience.

Example. When involved in “drama”, I just mirror the condition of the individual. This isn’t very useful, and unless they have some insight into themselves, I often just alienate them. I cannot “react” beyond that mirroring. I can’t be “present” to their distress, and I am often seen as cold or disinterested in their well being.

Aren’t you present when you mirror? Isn’t that just the presence, to mirror? They don’t feel like they are with me when I mirror. They complain of feeling alone. This is why perhaps they say autistics lack empathy. I can’t often be “self” long enough to send the contrasting feeling. If the person is at least semi composed, I can navigate the state I mirror some.

Do you feel like an alien? Actually, perhaps the opposite. Too native, maybe. Native to any state.

Are you detached? From the “consensus” or social contract, yes. I can’t move with the social choreography.

Why should you? Because when you don’t answer “Who’s on first?”, they get frustrated and the issue just escalates. If you don’t “hear” them the way they expect, it becomes a scream.

Perhaps scream is not so bad? It is if you can’t move away from it either. One of the dysfunctions of my condition is I can’t screen things. I can’t ignore things when it would be more functional to do so, so I get washed away in sensory overload.

To me, the meanings that are shared between people, the “common sense”, is meaningless. For myself, I found meaning as a sort of collective pattern in my experience. Having mirrored so many people and events I have found that all the dramatic moments have a running vein of energy (for lack of a better word), or perhaps information. I have come to be able to anticipate much as the patterns in life don’t diverge widely across persons.

Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.

Travis Saunders
Dragon Intuitive
~science,mysticism,spirituality~