Not having what you want won’t make you saintly. If you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t, you might as well go ahead.
There can be said to be two paths in the world. In the Cabala, they are called the pillar of mercy and the pillar of severity, but in fact there are three points. They are only opposed in the minds of those who oppose them.
My own path is more in keeping with the pillar of severity. This is my natural inclination. But to the one who sees, severity or mercy, in the true spirit they are one. It is severe if I extinguish the life of a suffering animal, but that is also compassion. It is severe if a frighten my son when he endangers himself, but that is also compassion. If you can do otherwise than you should do otherwise. Right action is right action in each and every moment.
In the movie ‘The Mist’ based on the Stephen King story, there is a whole chunk about judgement in there. Perception of events according to inner decisions. The monsters weren’t the real issue. Humanity makes its own. Death comes as a horror to some, a mercy to others. It is what it is either way.
In my experience, I have witnessed death. I feel it in the dying. The suffering is often fear, and we die many times before we die. Heinlein was right, fear is the mind killer. In the great wheel, death is not a grand resolution. It is the turning of the wheel. If it turns fast or it turns slow, it still turns.
We do have our experience. I tend to be very sensitive to the biology of others which comes from my disability. The little deaths and big ones have been mirrored in my system. The mirroring nervous system works. For most it’s counter balanced, in me it’s not. It has been established that when you see another smile, to recognize what that means another part of your nervous system reproduces the behaviour. But it is generally cross checked in its function so the reproduction feels dull. You might not even experience it somatically that you are aware of it, but it can be observed even in your body.
In my case, there is a fusion of various functions. I’m autistic to use a very broad term, so if you witnessed my behaviour you would see that even if I don’t want to, my heart will race as yours does, my face grow flushed, my breathing shallow as you become angry, and my muscles relax as my breathing slows, limbs stretch. As you regain composure, the death mannerisms, the physical responses, they get reproduced also. Autism makes you extra sensitive to the physical reactions of others, and the mind resists, fights, causes outbursts. It feels like being invaded by the world. This is why the autistic withdraws, often times to a cataleptic level.
Does this characteristic of your biology make you feel more one with others thus “less alone” or the opposite? More alone. It is like I’m not there. There is their state, and mine is lost in theirs. Thus a sense of nihilism arises.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.