Meditation is intimacy with self. You are stopping and opening your awarness to “death” in the moment.
Everyone recall a time in which you were impatient.
Everyone who stands in a line getting groceries? Especially if you went shopping while you were hungry.
Now ask yourself this, who is it that’s being impatient?
The ego in a hurry. Seems like it’s related to habit. It is all related to habit and judgment of some old emotionally charged situation that you aren’t in right now.
A sense that I’m the most “important”, the world revolves around me and all that? Well, it’s not a sense of importance, but actually rather the opposite. It is a sense of fear. Fear of being invalidated. All fear is of being invalidated, of losing your connection and well, we already did. I myself tend to live by one of the tenants of Bushido, “I’m already dead.” This just leaves the question: “Now what?”
Being judged and pronounced not good enough? Yes, judgment tends to be distorting.
Judged by who? By yourself, and your judgements were learned very early on. Even when you were barely aware of anything with much clarity, the panic in childhood can be intense, and do we stop living it?
One of the best defences against brain washing, bad magic, whatever, is knowing it’s being done to you. Now realize that you’re also doing things to your self. You raise a very good point. All of your life really, you are doing to yourself. Those wonderful things that make you smile, you are doing them to yourself. Those horrible things that make you cringe, you are doing those too.
Who else knows so well how to get to you? No one else. We don’t need external demons, we are demons. We don’t need rescuing angels, we are angels.
How do you resolve this with the understanding that other, very real people, are here too? You resolve that paradox by understanding the principle of mirroring. All the classic books of the dead refer to a mirror in one form or another, and in it we see what we most fear. If we fear nothing, we pass unharmed. If not, we wait until we understand. We can only fear what we relate to, what we mirror, everything else is an abstraction.
Is it possible to identify yourself by observing what’s changing in yourself? Yes, indeed it is by observing the observer, and it’s very busy, but it isn’t ego. There is a part of you that can see all the parts of your life, and accepts them all, because that is its nature. Do you know this part?
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.