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The wise have one foot in insanity, and the sane have one foot in the grave.

In My Moment in Depression

Rough Day

If you have ever felt suicidal, well, I will ask you this, did society make sense to you in that moment? Did your social experience seem coherent in that moment? For me it did. Am I strange?

I would say it didn’t have anything to do with society. It was just that the pain was so unbearable at that moment.

I think it did seem to make sense to me, yes. Enough sense to not be troubled by its inconsistencies.

I would say it has everything to do with society and the brain we have been trained to have. Business as usual. We want to absolve the world and blame ourselves.

I think that’s what brings the suicidal thoughts….the self blame.

Suicide isn’t about pain. People can endure immeasurable pain. It’s about something worse than pain. It’s about dis-integrity and we will risk everything to avoid that. In my moment, something changed in the way my brain was operating.

We risk our integrity to avoid disintegrity. Indeed, we feel we have no other option, no experience with any other view, any other way of knowing ourselves or the world. I guess this is why I see metaphysics as so important.

But yes, in my moment, as I was literally sitting on what amounted to a cliff, a gap between two tunnels with a road and traffic going by underneath me, well, my strange brain began firing on all cylinders making all those strange associations it makes, and metaphorically speaking… and this is a metaphor… Should I share my conclusion?

I didn’t need to die and my dying stopped making any sense to me at all, because everyone else was already dead so I didn’t have to worry about it personally. But everyone else already being dead (metaphorically speaking) was wrong, so I also felt a sense of mission. As crazy and misguided as my theories and conclusions might have been at the time (this was in my teens), I felt from then on as if I should bring life into the world, awareness of life. I don’t know if I have even come close, but the sense of meaning has stuck with me and has come to define every story of life I have ever heard. Seeing both the comparisons and contrast, I can share something that maybe you can relate to.

For a time people getting upset at me really hurt me. I took it personally. This lasted all throughout my twenties as well as my teens. I wasn’t sensitive to it as a child. My attention was held by the world around me, my strange view of it, but I have come to a point where people disapproving of me doesn’t actually hurt me. I don’t feel pain like I once did. It just seems meaningless. If you don’t mind the blue language? You could call me a stupid psychopathic bastard piece of white trash and I would agree with you and it would also be meaningless. I would try to do what is in me to do, to draw out the meaning in that situation, and failing that I would honestly lose interest.

I find that the more outrageous the insult, the less I can take it seriously and I just end up laughing. Oh, I take everyone seriously. I was once called a useless waste of breath. He told me he could kill me and he would be doing the world a favour. I believed him and still believe him. I also don’t believe in favours and don’t believe that the world benefits from gaining favours or even the line of thinking that leads people to believe in favours.

Honestly, I have seen even the benign, the loving and caring, nurturing and well meaning, twist the hell out of a human mind, and do more harm than pain and alienation. People are much easier to deal with when they don’t mean well. When they do mean well… That’s why we live in the world we currently do. They get that backward as they do many things. They mean well, but they don’t well mean. They don’t know how to mean things. Mean what they say, mean what they do, or understand what other things actually mean to do like bacteria viruses or the other animal species around us.

Like parents that constantly excuse their kids crappy behaviour and raise a horrible person.¬†Everyone teaches real life behaviour. That crappy behaviour is those parents real life and it will very likely be the real life of their children also. We teach very well and we don’t mean any of it. We put no meaning in it, just preparation. “Here, let me hurt you so you will be ready to be hurt. Here, let me scare you so you will be ready to fear those things. Here, let me correct you so you will be ready to give up examination, forget about experience and sensation let alone enjoyment.” Any errors in my logic?

What is compassion but teaching the same ideas gently? We teach our children to ignore the real world in favour of a constructed real world, the human constructed agenda. What works, supposedly, and what makes us work. Work ourselves to death.

Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.

Travis Saunders
Dragon Intuitive

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