Do you remember what it was like before you were born? No? That’s the point. We are forever aborning. Each moment a new incarnation, and in each moment the original conviction is arrived at again. Yet for all our convictions we are still constantly aborning.
What does it say if you pick at wounds on your body until they bleed and scar? That is obsession. Obsession dulls you to the flows of life.
Does that mean you are obsessed with those imperfections? Yes. The desire to bleed. People have it. They feel it’s the only way to reach the point of letting go.
That is a symptom of meth use also. Meth triggers chemical obsession, any intense stimulants do. Mild stimulants can build up a homeopathic resistance to obsession, potentially, but usually not. One cut is never enough. One bout of cutting is never enough. They blame the flesh for what is not originating in the flesh. Mis-diagnosis.
You are getting back at your body for not being perfect? No. You are forcing the body to be louder, because your sensitivities have been dulled. It’s your mind that has the imperfection. Your mind is working to dismantle the psyche’s current form. Soul and body are on the same page. Mind isn’t getting the clue.
It feels good to do it at first and then I feel horrible for making scars. You likely feel very threatened from inside. You have stubbornly conformed. Conformity always leads to deformity, because it is a deformity to adhere to human insanity.
Isn’t cutting a type of self-medicating to release endorphins? Yes, and it’s mal practice. It denies the way of the soul. In Ma’at, the wisdom tradition of Egypt, the devourer Sobek was also the guardian and keeper of souls, but always comes first as the devourer. Yes, African wisdom traditions do practice ritual scarification, but the rites are enough because the scars are marks of the souls transformation. Reminders of a truth that will make you honour the sanctity of the body after.
I feel like I can’t do anything to stop myself. You as you define yourself now cannot stop it.
It is a seeking of relief that becomes habitual? It’s a seeking of unity or hell. The human mind really has no idea of relief, but people can really get addicted to hell.
I need to find a new me? No. You need to find the oldest you. The you you need cannot be found in this world, or invented.
The one that isn’t twisted by the conformity? Yes, exactly.
It is triggered by an emotional/psychological pain? It’s triggered by being unreconciled. Otherwise everyone would cut. It’s triggered not by pain, but by despair.
Separated from your core self? Yes.
So in looking at that source, although it might be painful to do so, it is possible to find the solution or resolution of the root cause? Yes. Often involving first the Rite of the Phoenix. A cutter is often so enmeshed in a toxic life that it must be totally destroyed/reconstructed.
Because you feel you will die from looking at that source of pain? Yes, so the cutting is defensive, supposedly. It’s like the dog trying to gnaw its foot off when in a coyote trap. The pain is associated with the trap and the self injury is desperation to be free.
Am I obsessed? I would say based on what you have shared, yes. You are struggling with obsession, but the trap can be opened, the cause nullified.
Your thoughts are welcome. Be well friends.